I use humor as a defense mechanism.

If I can make a joke about it, I think it won't hurt me. Or at least no one will see that it hurts me.

But I'd rather be able to laugh it off than to let it show. If you can't laugh at yourself there's no fun in life.

I'm just a jumble of feelings right now.

Open hearts and hummingbirds.

I've got so many emotions and thoughts tumbling around in my mind. In one minute my mood can change from ecstatic to desolate to reminiscent  to hopeful, and just about a million other feelings.

I feel like I have my heart open for anyone to come and find their way inside. If a someone needs a friend, I'm ready and willing to be that shoulder to cry on or person to share that laugh with. But it seems like everyone is pulling away or leaving me behind.

I guess it's all part of growing up. Sometimes you need to just go it alone, right? Don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining about being alone. I love Heather time. Those minutes, hours, days I spend by myself help me to reflect, focus, nurture and guide myself in the directions I want to take in my life. Thinking back on where I've been and looking forward to where I am going, while enjoying where I am right now, probably one of the most exciting (and moderately terrifying) things I've ever experienced.

I just wish my friends would be more hands on. I'm almost 24 - and though this time is so invigorating, it would be so much more enjoyable with some of my best friends by my side.

C'est la vie.

TV can be so cathartic

Let's be honest - before I die, I want to live.

I was watching Desperate Housewives onDemand today since I missed it when it first aired due to hockey obligations. Edie died. I knew it was coming, but it still hit like a ton of bricks. Yes, I cried. I am a blubbering little cry baby when it comes to this sort of thing. Possibly because when someone I really know dies, I naturally shutdown, so I guess when someone completely fictional dies I can actually let go and bawl.

Either way, it just reminded me that I want to keep living it up. I'm finally starting to come out of my safety bubble. I'm finally connecting and reconnecting with people in my life outside of my little circle.

I've survived cancer and I just feel like I need to make good on the second chance I've got at living. You never know when your time is up - I just want to know I've done everything to make it worth it.

Mama bear tendancies

So let's be honest. 

I love my friends with an intense ferocity - I'm like a mama bear watching over her cubs. But obviously in the more emotional sense of protection. (Ha! Like I could be someone's physical protector!) Anyway, I become really defensive and angry when a friend asks for advice and then throws it back in my face and disappears. Makes sense right? I hate watching my friends walk into a disaster and knowing full well I can't do a damn thing to stop them.

For nearly two years, I've been missing one of my best friends. She was dating someone who just didn't quite work in my lifestyle. Cheaters and I just don't really get along and she decided to follow him and not her friends. (It wasn't only me who got left in the dust.) So, I guess they're finally done. I think. Either way, the thought of having my friend back is one of the most exciting things to happen to me recently. It's those little things that I really hope come back - like Pasta P. lunch dates, two ice teas and then some shopping. Her laugh. She was like a little sister and I really hope that love and friendship can come back to us soon.

But maybe I'm just being optimistic. Oh well, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

OH! I'll be back to talk all about LONDON and PARIS soon:)

...and I start to complain that there's no rain

I leave for London on Friday. I'm excited and a little anxious. $2000 and I don't even know if I'll actually have time to see the city. Hm. Well, I guess time will tell.

Also, I don't enjoy coming home from work/hockey games on Saturday nights to an empty apartment. I'm irrationally afraid of the dark and empty apartments just make me nervous. Oh well.

I need an internship insanely bad. I don't even care if all I end up doing is coffee runs. I know I'm not getting an internship with the Sharks, so I will take what I can get. Which doesn't look like much in this economy. C'est la vie. I wish I remembered more French. I love the language so much.

I honestly don't know why I'm blogging right now. I don't really have anything to say. Just a million thoughts running through my mind, none of which are of any importance. I guess I'm just analyzing all the decisions I've made over the last few years and gauging how much outside factors have influenced everything that I've done, or not done. I feel like I've lost my rose-tinted glasses and can't seem to find all the excitement I used to be able to find in life.

Maybe I'm just tired. Enough rambling for tonight. The Sharks won tonight, so I'm done on that happy note.

So let's be honest. I am an intense Sharks fan. Yes, as of right now we are #1 in the league with 91 points. We're playing against Detroit right now, and it's pretty obvious that the referees and Toronto are definitely not rooting for the team in teal.

Now I'm not asking for the Sharks to be able to get away with murder, but I am expecting an even playing field. These two teams should be able to battle it out without worrying about some prissy penalty call. And I strongly believe that Dan Cleary should have been ejected from the game - that hit from behind on Big Joe was dangerous and unnecessary. Granted Joe came right back out and hustled, but he was on the ice for a little longer than I think any Sharks fan was comfortable with. If that sort of play continues I cannot wait to see who has to answer to Jody Shelley.

This game is a huge statement for BOTH teams. The refs need to let the boys play it out. The Sharks do need to pick up the pace a bit, but that won't be possible if they keep getting lame penalties. And if the Wings are continually allowed to hack/trip/pester to extremes/etc. 

There has only been 20 minutes of hockey so far and I won't be able to see the rest. Let's hope the better team *cough*Sharks*cough* wins.

working hard just to get my fill, everybody wants a thrill

I just called Metro (Silicon Valley) in an attempt to find the internship I so desperately need. I really wanted the internship with the Sharks, but that didn't work out. I wanted the internship with Catapult, but they no longer have enough work to require an intern. I REALLY JUST WANT TO WRITE. Or edit. I would prefer breaking into the hockey arena, because watching & analyzing hockey would be an absolute dream come true. Watching Ovie, Malkin, Toews, Iginla, Lucic.... oh man. It's not even the people, it's the game and the way they play it. It's graceful yet aggressive. In those moments I'm watching a game I am completely and utterly happy.

To be continued... the power in my house is being creepy and flashing on and off.

a new day for america

our 44th president of the united states, barack h. obama, was sworn in this morning.

his inaugural speech was motivating and inspiring. the u.s. is in good hands. we are moving forward as a country - and we are strong.

go out and enjoy the day. its going to be beautiful.